Dissolution
What did the dissolution mean for you? What did it feel like for you? Did you know it was coming? Was there any way to tell? Were you hoping this would never happen? Hoping for things to last? Was your heart broken? Did you ever recover? Do you still yearn for those feelings? Are you holding on to the past? Why do you love it so much? Is it the idea or fantasy that excites you? I know your feelings are very real. Did you have hope in the system? Or did it corrupt the ability to improve your life? Is it hard to ignore the reality of this difficult situation? Were you unable to find direction? When did the change that was promised arrive? Do you want to return? Do you want to try again?
Piecing it back together again doesn’t seem to work. Maybe it will flourish sometime soon. Memories are left blowing around in our heads like storm clouds. The remnants of the past slowly decay around us. Each window of darkness hides the pain. It’s hard to navigate our way to the top floor where the light still shines through. Where a horizon of hope can be viewed by the doomers who find their way up the stairs.
It feels impossible to become grounded again when our admirable old self remains stuck in the past. Our body feels soulless and stagnant as life grows around us. A life that others embrace and endure for the sake of surviving until an opportunity grants them a way out. A life that is worth living despite how it looks. Just don’t give up. Don’t neglect what you know you can do currently. It may feel uncomfortable, but the guilt that follows after the dissolution always takes over as we ponder how we could have acted differently. It is this guilt that is infinitely more painful than a temporary struggle to achieve something greater for ourselves.
I am reminded of the beauty that lies adjacent to this dismal concrete neighborhood. The warm blue water of an alpine lake remains encapsulated by snowcapped mountains. The rain washes out the picturesque view but the rolling clouds can’t cry forever.
Photos taken in Balykchy, Kyrgyzstan July 2023